Well mother’s day has come and gone now, but it certainly left me reflective. This year has been a tough one on me, personally. My job has hit some very tough lows and I’ve taken some blows. And then I’ve taken some heavy blows emotionally this year. I’m not ready to share ALL of it yet… but just since January losing our close friend Baby Lawson, a few days later a mito angel Allie Stallion, and then a month ago little man Eli – another mitochondrial child in our home state of KS. There’s so much grief I am experiencing for these children who are not my own. My heart aches for these mother’s who will never get to hold their babies again in their arms. And our life can be hard, keeping up with all his medical challenges, finding consistent care to support the nursing staff, battling the insurance company is a constant – yet somehow I feel like I am the lucky one.
The best gift I received this Mother’s Day, was a realization of who I am now since because I am a mother. (But I do love the necklace and bath goodies, honey!) My son has made ME more of the person I want to be. A wise friend once pointed out how self-important some of us could be without our special needs children. I’ve accomplished a lot in life, met a lot of celebrities, been to some incredible places – and without Braden I’d probably be pretty impressed with myself. Gross. Yes that’s my past, but it’s not who I am, and it’s not WHO I want to be. Braden has given me the gift of learning to be humble. For nothing have I accomplished without God. Everything I have done and everything I accomplish is by the grace and will of God. These are His accomplishments, not my own.
I thank God for allowing me to be a better human being, a better friend, a better family member, a better wife – all because of the opportunity and blessing to be Braden’s mother. Though at times I may still find it a struggle, I’ve learned patience. And that God’s plan is perfect, and he makes everything good in His time. (Jer 29:11) A broken childhood and difficult circumstances in love has made it hard to find trust – but the more I trust God’s plan for me, the easier it is for me to trust others. When you come through seasons of life that leave you feeling so out of control, you grasp for that control in any way you can get it. God broke me of that need for control when he sent me Braden too. No longer do I have my day planned out in 15 minute increments (my family remembers my crazy full planner in college!) – rather I have lists that are merely “suggested to do’s”. My tiny human is in charge of my schedule now. Probably with the big guy at the helm.
So this Mother’s Day I did want to celebrate the new me – the new person I have become since raising this precious soul. My little angel has given me the gift of perspective in everyday life. He has taught me to be a better human being. Thank you, Braden, for choosing me to be your mommy. I BEE-LIEVE that one day you will be restored and be able to say the words “I love you” and that you will finally get to wrap your little arms around me for that embrace that every parent longs for. Until that day, I will keep doting on you, running my fingers through your hair and covering you with kisses daily – I hope you know how proud I am to be your mommy and how much you are loved.
Happy Mother’s Day.